It’s been awhile since I’ve been brave enough to post here, but tonight is just one of those nights.
While I’m not bingeing – I haven’t sat down with tortillas, chocolate chips and peanut butter yet – it’s getting harder and harder to resist the junk food in my house that my roommates bring.
I’m trying to buy a house with my husband and that’s stressing me out beyond any measurable doubt. I’m so tired. I’m so tired and I’m so used to turning to food to make it better and I’m so tired of doing that.
I’m trying my best to do low carb and to cut out sugar and most processed foods out of my diet completely. I’m doing okay, most days, but the last week has just been this slippery slope and I hate the things I think when I stuff some stupid, worthless oreo into my mouth. I think no, I shouldn’t do this. This isn’t worth it, it’ll ruin everything, calories and carbs and just everything, and I do it anyway, it’s like I can’t control it. And the I get sick afterwards, and I regret it and I hate myself a little and I don’t know what to do with all of these big emotions except sit here and eat them all away.
I’m trying to write for a client, and I’m writing in a sort of uplifting and fun sort of way (about martial arts), and it’s so hard for me to relate the person that’s writing that – a confident sort of person, a person who knows a lot about some stuff, a person who likes to write – to the person who just ate a nutty bar for the second time today while her mind was screaming about how she shouldn’t and how she should stop before it’s too late.
I’m screaming inside and the only person that can hear that and stop that and make it all better is me, me me and I don’t even know how to function some days, I sit in a pile of sad and I can hardly move and Oreos just make it feel better.
They don’t make it better but they make it feel better and I guess that’s all that I need at the moment, a quick fix, a release but then it starts to build all over again and all of my time and effort and attempts to do what’s good for my body go out the window, even though that isn’t true, and the next minute or hour or day is another opportunity to get back on track.
It just feels so hopeless in the moment that it wrecks me, it makes me nervous all over again and I feel like I’ll never actually make it anywhere permanently. I am destined to be a balloon, even though I honestly believe I am meant for bigger things, better things more challenging things.
This is just my monster and I have to figure out how to fight it, to kill it, to calm it to love it or to get it out of my life completely, I’m not really certain what the answer is at all but I know it’s out there, within me, somewhere.
I just needed to get that all out.
I’m hoping I can make progress tomorrow. I’m starting to remember how I feel when I go for something I shouldn’t and I’m going to start trying to counter that. Sometimes it’s just a random thought that won’t leave me alone but there has to be something I can do about those thoughts, even when they feel like they come out of nowhere, right?
I’ll think on that, and I’ll work on that, and for now I’m going to keep writing about dojos and how you should run one even though I’ve only set foot in one a few times and I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t properly roll that I left and never came back.