5.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been brave enough to post here, but tonight is just one of those nights.

While I’m not bingeing – I haven’t sat down with tortillas, chocolate chips and peanut butter yet – it’s getting harder and harder to resist the junk food in my house that my roommates bring.

I’m trying to buy a house with my husband and that’s stressing me out beyond any measurable doubt. I’m so tired. I’m so tired and I’m so used to turning to food to make it better and I’m so tired of doing that.

I’m trying my best to do low carb and to cut out sugar and most processed foods out of my diet completely. I’m doing okay, most days, but the last week has just been this slippery slope and I hate the things I think when I stuff some stupid, worthless oreo into my mouth. I think no, I shouldn’t do this. This isn’t worth it, it’ll ruin everything, calories and carbs and just everything, and I do it anyway, it’s like I can’t control it. And the I get sick afterwards, and I regret it and I hate myself a little and I don’t know what to do with all of these big emotions except sit here and eat them all away.

I’m trying to write for a client, and I’m writing in a sort of uplifting and fun sort of way (about martial arts), and it’s so hard for me to relate the person that’s writing that – a confident sort of person, a person who knows a lot about some stuff, a person who likes to write – to the person who just ate a nutty bar for the second time today while her mind was screaming about how she shouldn’t and how she should stop before it’s too late.

I’m screaming inside and the only person that can hear that and stop that and make it all better is me, me me and I don’t even know how to function some days, I sit in a pile of sad and I can hardly move and Oreos just make it feel better.

They don’t make it better but they make it feel better and I guess that’s all that I need at the moment, a quick fix, a release but then it starts to build all over again and all of my time and effort and attempts to do what’s good for my body go out the window, even though that isn’t true, and the next minute or hour or day is another opportunity to get back on track.

It just feels so hopeless in the moment that it wrecks me, it makes me nervous all over again and I feel like I’ll never actually make it anywhere permanently. I am destined to be a balloon, even though I honestly believe I am meant for bigger things, better things more challenging things.

This is just my monster and I have to figure out how to fight it, to kill it, to calm it to love it or to get it out of my life completely, I’m not really certain what the answer is at all but I know it’s out there, within me, somewhere.

I just needed to get that all out.

I’m hoping I can make progress tomorrow. I’m starting to remember how I feel when I go for something I shouldn’t and I’m going to start trying to counter that. Sometimes it’s just a random thought that won’t leave me alone but there has to be something I can do about those thoughts, even when they feel like they come out of nowhere, right?

I’ll think on that, and I’ll work on that, and for now I’m going to keep writing about dojos and how you should run one even though I’ve only set foot in one a few times and I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t properly roll that I left and never came back.

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4.

After some thoughtful times, I feel better. I feel cranky, kind of drained, pissed off, but I still feel better. I’m trying to form new habits. I guess it’s supposed to be a slow process; you have to earn new wings.

I’ve decided if it isn’t something I’d feed my daughter, I’m simply not going to consume it. That’s hard; I like a lot of stuff I wouldn’t give my kid. And then there’s always the “on occasion” thing, where I would give her say, ice cream, on occasion. So when is it okay for me? I haven’t figured out the details yet.

I want to become a food admirer. I want to find food tasty and, even better, beautiful. I want to look up photos of pretty food and make it in my kitchen. I want to invent my own creations. I want to make big things happen with food. Instead, I binge on chocolate chips and honey peanut butter. I upset my stomach with crap. Not only do I not admire food, I dishonor it. I shove it down my throat until it sucks to do it anymore. I know I’m doing myself an injustice, but I’m doing the flavors, textures, and goodness of food an injustice, too. There are so many lovely ways to enjoy food, and we have spent thousands and thousands of years making sure it tastes good. Why am I not enjoying it?

I’m going to the gym today, even if I cry the entire way there.

3.

I’m not doing as well as I would have hoped. I am consistently and constantly fighting against the desire to eat. It almost rules my body. Everything is an excuse to eat. Everything.

Happiness.
Sadness.
Lonliness.
Stress.
Anxiety.
Good news.
Bad news.
Winter.
Humidity.
Husband.
Everything.
Everything..
Everything…
Everything.

Haven’t had more than a soda a week in years. Don’t really have a desire to start again. Roommate gets Coke and puts it in the fridge? Am tempted daily. Why? Empty calories…diabetes…bad example. Why would I ever want to start again?

I’m an addict, in the worst way possible. At first I thought my food problems were just habit. But I know now they are deeply rooted in my childhood that was lonely, full of abandonment with a lack of love…unless you count stuff & food as love. I don’t, but something internal does.

It is this – this addiction – that makes me feel bad about myself. I ate too much food yesterday…so I don’t deserve cuddles. or sex. or honesty. or a family who loves me.

Thoughts that start over a Coke.

—-

Anxiety.
So much anxiety, underneath the surface. Most of the time — even now — I feel good. I feel relaxed, happy. But one thing or another will set me off. Dozens of times a day. Sometimes less, much of the time more. A baby crying. Stuttering over my own words. Money. An email…a sound my phone makes…a door not opening fast enough.

—–

I don’t feel alone.
So what space does overeating fill?

2.

My gym smells nice, but I’m never quite sure what to do when I enter the door. Should I leave? Should I just take my shower and go? The fight within me make my heart beat faster than it should before I even hit a treadmill. It’s sad, if you ask me, just how afraid I am of taking control of my life. I’m not sure why I associate losing weight with fear, or food with happiness (and depression, and stress, and deadlines), but I do. And it’s hard for me, each day, to face that challenge. I’d much rather not face it at all.

I ate 10 zebra cakes and 12 oatmeal pies this weekend. This, while amusing to me, is completely unacceptable. It’s unacceptable that amuses me, too. I should be disgusted.

I cannot begin to explain the exhilaration I feel when I start to run. When I have happy, content dreams, they are always of me running across a field I remember from my childhood. The running turns into bounds that last fifteen feet and go in slow motion, and I get to watch the daisies and green grass beneath me with a carelessness I have not ever felt anywhere other than these dreams. I love to run, even if it’s in a gym on a treadmill. My ankles start to hurt, and I can hardly breathe most of the time. I usually can’t run more than a minute, maybe two. But it’s worth it. It’s worth the pain. It’s worth the difficulty of just getting to the gym in the first place.

Now if I could only convince myself that was true.

I think the one thing I like more than a decadent treat I shouldn’t eat is my daughter’s laugh.

But she’s only laughed twice since she was born, and one of those times happened about a minute ago.

I already feel like I want to snack again.

I know I can do better.

I just don’t know I can do better.

I don’t know if I want to open the door.
It hasn’t been opened in a long, long time.

2014-07-04 13.16.16

Day 1, All Over Again

The tl;dr since my last update is that I had a baby, she’s cute, and is doing very well. Here’s a picture, because who can resist posting a picture of their child when they find themselves a parent? 

So now we’re going back to the original point of this blog, which was to ride “ponies” and fit into “pretty dresses”. Because right now, I’m fat, and I barely fit into things labeled “2x” or, on occasion, something labeled “3x”.

I mean really, how does a person get to this stage? I didn’t even realize the weight was creeping on, and when I suddenly did, I ignored it. How stupid. While I don’t think weight matters all that much, I still need to be able to function. Do you know hard it is to function when you’re hauling around 300+ pounds of flesh and fat on a ~160 pound frame? It’s horrible. And as I get older — keep in mind I’m only 25 — it gets harder to move.

At a quarter of a decade, I find it hard to function day to day. Stairs are hard; walking is hard; breathing can sometimes be hard. The last few days all that stuff has been difficult because I’ve actually been bothering to move my body, and it hurts like all getout.

I have dishes to do, but I just want to say that I’m back, and this journal will likely be a bit too honest. I’m sorry about that, if you’re reading. But I’m not sorry for what it may make me in the long run. 

Way Too Pregnant

I am now almost 38 weeks pregnant. For those of you who don’t speak pregnant-ese, that means I’m approximately two weeks from my due date (I’m 38 weeks on Thursday, so I have some leeway here). I remember when I was like 20 weeks and thought it was crazy that I would ever have a baby. And now I’m 38 weeks and Winter can come at any time and it would be just fine. I don’t always know how I feel about that, but that’s nothing new. I hope I just love her and that all of the celebrating (next Saturday and Tuesday I have baby showers) will make me realize how much she is welcomed.

I have discovered she does not care for pepperjack cheese, but loves honeynut Cheerios.

Anyway, what happens when you discover something about yourself that you don’t love, but you don’t really want to change? I wonder about that sometimes. I’m not denying it’s something that isn’t favorable, I’m just denying the right to change it. Example:

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbleness about having not one, but two baby showers. Both are thrown by people I’ve only met in the past few years, and one is being thrown by a bunch of ladies who don’t even know me. I have to admit that that is super hard for me to be comfortable with. I think it’s a pride thing. Just knowing that that many people want to celebrate a baby they don’t even know makes me really happy. I am nothing short of excited for Winter to be welcomed by so many people. I guess I was worried she wouldn’t be, and that she wouldn’t be loved as much as I think a child should be loved, and that would cause problems.  But I think she will be plenty loved. So many people have donated in her name and I have so much stuff for her that I can’t imagine she’ll really want for anything.

This, this is good. I think it’s good to learn something from situations like these. I always try to be giving of my time and giving of my thoughts but this has helped me realize just how important it is that I AM thoughtful on the part of others. It’s hard to focus on the needs of others when you’re trying to scrape by. But it’s necessary. I think the world would keep on spinning if everyone was only in it for themselves, but being thoughtful – even when you don’t even know someone – is essential to self-growth and growth as a species.

That being said…I am still extremely judgmental of many, many things. When someone doesn’t do something the way I think is right, I automatically judge them. I really DO try to say oh, they just think differently. Sometimes, depending on what it is, this works, especially when my opinion is flipflopping or whatever too. But sometimes it doesn’t. When someone shows a weakness I don’t have – a GOOD example is the “we can’t afford it” as an excuse not to get something proper done that needs to get done ASAP – I automatically get snotty about it. I don’t usually do it to their face/on their post or what have you, but I can FEEL how superior I feel because they suck and I don’t.

This helps me because it helps me stay away from people who aren’t necessarily go-getters (which is bad, because I like to help people, and those who aren’t go-getters and don’t use a handup appropriately wind up costing a lot of time and energy that was better spent in other places), but it’s still pretty mean. I’m still saying I’m better than someone because I know how to get something I want when they don’t. It’s like I’m a predator, and once they’re labeled weak they’re no use to me anymore.

I can be friends with these people. I can be cordial with these people. I sometimes even feel for these people and/or these situations. But I don’t LIKE these kinds of people. I don’t like this trait.

I know we’re all allowed to have our preferences but I also know I’m a butthead when it comes to these traits and I don’t mind. *head shake* I don’t mind being a butthead at all.

New Year’s Resolutions

2014-01-09 15.09.01It took me awhile to decide if I wanted to do these or not. But I decided in the end that “big goals” were a good thing for the year, even if they aren’t “resolutions” per se. It’s just that January is such a good time to start thinking forward because you have an ENTIRE year to do so. An entire YEAR! It almost feels like a lifetime until you look at the calendar and it’s already the ninth of January and you realize you’ve been thinking about just CREATING goals for the year for nearly two weeks.

So here are just a few ideas I have for this new year.

Stop eating so much crap. I went and got my Abundant Harvest Organics order today. It amounted to almost $30 worth of deliciousness. I mean seriously, I’m chomping on an apple right now. It’s amazing. It’s literally sweeter than candy. So why is it, then, that I went to BK after I got the box and got a Coke Icee and a Chicken Parm sandwich? No reason, really, other than to completely undermine myself. So that crap’s gotta stop.

Solution: I am thinking that the only real solution here is a bit of self-control. Instead of going cold turkey, which is stupid, I’m going to choose 1 day a week. On that 1 day, I’ll allow myself to eat crap, whatever that means (crap does not include organic chocolate, but it does include girl scout cookies and icees). This day may be movie day or I-am-hating-cooking day or whatever.

Things that qualify as crap:
– Processed foods (food with more than 5-6 ingredients on their labels, unless I cannot find a suitable alternative)
– Sugary foods (even if homemade or organic or whatever. Anything with a lot of white sugar and no real nutritional value)
– Fast food
– Fried foods

Raise Winter using many Attachment Parenting values. I don’t want my daughter’s childhood or problems to be like mine. So I’m trying AP. It will require a lot more patience and understanding than I am used to within myself, but I’m going to try anyway.

Get back to horseback riding. Whenever that may be.

Pick up a hobby that I enjoy and can do from home.

Purchase only used, local business, or heavily discounted items. This is well underway because of co-opping and local garage sales. It’s been really awesome actually. I plan to continue these concepts not only to save money, but to cut down on the amount of debt we have.

Have zero foster cats by the end of 2014. This is sort of a sad goal for me, but I need a break. I do think I’ll go back to fostering at some point, maybe even before the year is out. But the fosters I have now need to go before that happens, and I need to shut down Barn Kat Rescue completely. I must end the chapter before beginning a new one.

And finally, stop being so freaking lazy about the household stuff. I mean honestly. Cleaning the laundry and folding it is not the end of the world. Vacuuming isn’t going to take one of my nine lives. I just need to get better about it for EVERYONE.

k I think…that’s it.